(the cool thing about this picture is 1.) the beer in that one glass tastes the same as those napkins in that other glass. 2.) i got this picture from Google and that's my waitress in the background. 3.) this was the least gross picture i could find)
After feasting your eyes on that guy, slowly feeling your arteries clog and your blood pressure spike, youre probably wondering why anyone would eat such a monstrosity. well, I'll tell you a story.
So one day, after three weeks of eating bread with one slice of cheese on it that Chileans decided to call a sandwich (no chile, that is a piece of bread. and a piece of cheese. thats like me stapling rubber to the bottom of my feet and carrying a shoelace and calling them Nikes.), and after a trip to patagonia, during which Charlie tortured Garrett with the thought of Chipotle, (of which doesnt exist in South America.) <---IM WAITING CARLY), we decided it was time for something new. Our spanish teacher told us about a place to get a "seriously chilean sandwich" which i thought was going to be a piece of bread. with cheese on it. but alas, we stolled in anyway. unsuspecting. much like this cat:
we sit down. Charlie orders a lomito completo. that comes with avacado, sauerkraut (how do you spell that?), tomato, salsa (think ketchup, not tostitos) and mayo. given the extra 4 seconds to decide what i want, i see this:
the waitress walks over to the stove, where we expect her to put on some fresh tasty pork and cook it up and put it on a nice toasty bun, place a little avacado on it, bring it over to us and give us a big pile of napkins. well.
the good news is the bun made it on the grill.....
you see that vat of grease on the right? thats where the "fresh pork" came from. the one on the left is where the hotdogs came from. didnt order a hotdog. maybe why im still alive. the avacado came from a big green bowl and god help charlie cause i have no idea where the mayo came from.
as for a pile of napkins, thats what that glass was there for. i will never understand why napkins in chile are so tiny. its like in order to actually get your hands clean, you have to use 40 of them. they are literally like individual squares of single-ply tissue paper. its like. i have to KNOW where my hand is messy so i can spot treat every tiny mess i've made.
there was a point, in between the time i added a kilo of hotsauce and the grease turning the bun to liquid which in turn turned into more grease, that i thought this was a bad idea. i then blacked out and woke up with the first bite gone. I HAVE NO IDEA how youre SUPPOSED to eat this, but there was no fork or knife or spork or machete that is adequate. charlie turned to me, covered in mayonnaise, and said "this is the point when you just accept that this is gonna be a gross horrible mess".
Now this entire time, there has been some A-HOLE reserving two seats next to us. you cant reserve seats at FUENTE ALEMAN. THIS IS A PEOPLE'S RESTAURANT. he's saving it with a giant microphone. he probably thought he was important.
Turns out he was important. at some point between the heartattack i was having from fat intake, and the stroke i was about to have from fat intake, two gentledudes walk in and sit down next to us. only it wasnt just two gentledudes. it was two gentledudes and 4 camera men, some mic dudes and random ass people carrying stuff (probably interns...). They sit down right next to us and there is a whole grand show about ordering and getting a lomito. He looks at me like "hey look how important i am" (the friendly kind of hey look how important i am, not the hey-look-how-important-i-am-and-by-the-way-sweet-fossil-watch-i-have-a-rolex-how-old-are-you-you-look-like-justin-beiber-i-have-an-office-with-my-name-on-the-desk-go-clean-something kind of look how important i am.) i have never seen so many pictures taken of a dude eating a sandwich. in fact, most of these pictures here on google are probably from that day. everyone in the place (the place is packed) is taking a picture of me. or of us. or of him. (doesnt matter if they were only taking pictures of him cause I WAS ALL OVER THAT LOMITO and they had to get that at least in the corner of the frame)
we asked the people next to us, (cause they obviously knew) who the eff this gentledude was. They told us, and it was something that started with an S. due to some spelling difficulties (apparenlty his name is like german or something) they couldnt write it down or spell it right or something cause his name doesnt show up in google and if he's important then IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THERE. the point is that i have no idea who this guy was. but he asked me who i was. i said i was garrett. he said "jerry?". i said. "no. diego." " ahhh. diego! mucho gusto! are you gringo?" "yes. im a gringo. named diego."
albiet a great conversation, he had to depart and take his thousands of entourage groupies with him....i digress.
after eating these delicious, yet filling, lomito sandwiches, i decided. Chilean cuisine. you have shown me another side of you today. you dont just like coffee and salty (insert anything not tasty here), but you can enjoy yourself occasionally with a lomito. unfortunately, you can only occasionally enjoy a lomito once. because it will take your cholesterol, walk it over to mcdonalds, dunk it in the "fry chamber" and laugh because it is no where near done. it will then hand you a lifetime prescription of lipitor...i digress again. at this point i am so hungry i'll do it. I'M GOIN BACK. wish me luck. sweet, delicious, artery clogging luck.
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